Still

I watched Donnie Darko. Oh, and before that I watched the last half of the Matrix Reloaded. Though initially I didn't put them together, how coincidental it was that they were pretty darn related.

I find these "destiny" or "alternate universe" movies intriguing. But while I feel that some of them are well-executed and entertaining, not many of them truly reflect my own beliefs.

What I find interesting is that we indulge in this concept of choice. But what does choice truly mean? To me, choice is defined by a person's character as opposed to the present circumstances. However, does this definition only support the idea of destiny? For example, in the Matrix Reloaded, the Architect gives Neo the choice between, simply put, what he wants and what is right, already knowing that he will choose the former. And though that was overly generalized, I believe it highlights the point that with a certain character, one will consistently make choices which are aligned with that character. And one might argue that one's character is always changing, but it evolves in a direction that is guided by one's present character. Put this way, we are nothing more than a uniquely programmed software designed differently for each person. But this is not to be confused with predetermination because that says the circumstances have already been decided. Whereas what I am possibly saying is that we can never foresee the future circumstances but our character has already decided how we will make our choices. So are we merely pawns to this nonhuman force called circumstance? Does my definition of choice contradict itself? Does choice really exist?

Oddly,

coming home has always been comfortable. Well, at least for short periods of time. Amidst all the changes that have happened to my house, I still like to walk back in my head and remember how things used to look like and how those things were tied to particular memories, especially from my childhood. Like the old French doors that my dalmatian used to scratch at. Or the corner of the wall that I rammed my skull into. Or my sports wallpaper that I slowly peeled off every night before I went to bed. In a couple months, coming home is not going to be as easy as it has been. I can see myself sorely missing home when that time comes.

Even in my most drunken state...

Order is the root of all evil. Chaos is what keeps the world moving.

They'll never understand

I think I'm finally tired. I realized last night that I just need to be forward with it. If my parents can't be mature about it then I might as well be the bigger person because there is no point pretending anymore. There isn't a point pretending that I am happy with them. Quite frankly, they don't care about anything that doesn't bring in the money. They wonder why I can't confide in them, why I can't trust them with my life and who I am. Because they don't bother to find out what I am beneath the awards, the prestigious school and major, and my job. How much money are you going to make? HOW MUCH MONEY ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE? Is that all that FUCKIN' matters! Do they understand that I have grown so much as a person or a leader here in San Diego? Do they care what amazing friends I have found? Do they know that I stay here because I find more support and understanding in my friends that I have ever found in my parents? It doesn't matter what I do; it only matters what they think is best in their head. They don't think one bit that I am capable of thinking for myself and doing what I know is best for me. They step all over me with their opinions because they think they know best, and that's all it has been. I AM A GROWN ADULT THAT IS ABLE TO THINK AND ACT FOR MYSELF, please let me be who I want to be. My heart hurts too much knowing that I have held this in for 5 years now and I have faked a smile every trip back home. And now that I am leaving to be on my own, I need to tell you this.

I guess it's really happening

This past week or so has been quite eventful. And I still can't believe it's happening. I didn't think it was going to happen this quickly or happen at all, but it's what I wanted and I'm taking it.

I guess for those who don't know, I'll give you the back story.

---

At the end of spring quarter, I was freaking out because I wasn't applying to jobs yet and I wanted to make sure I could find one sometime in the summer. I applied everywhere. After finals week, I had scheduled 3 interviews: Lancaster, Sunnyvale, and San Diego (in that order). Lancaster was hella farther than I thought it was from my house. I went out there and thought, damn this place is in the fuckin' boonies. I feel bad because I didn't perform as well I should have in the interview, but I think part of that was because I didn't want the job. And then I get to Sunnyvale, a free flight with a rental car waiting for me at San Jose Airport. I was able to explore the town and I even met up with ading Matt, Adam, and Maria during some down time. I loved my interviewers, I felt like they enjoyed having me, and I already loved the area. And then there was San Diego. It honestly didn't impress me very much at first because I got there at the bottom of Sorrento Valley Blvd to one of those small buildings and it didn't even look like an engineering company. But boy did they surprise me. They were amazing people, and very enlightening too about the engineering field and the different dynamics of a small firm. The first interview went well and they took me back for second interview. But that second interview made me feel less confident about it. At the end of all of those interviews, I really didn't expect to get any of them.

A few days after I had my second interview with the San Diego firm, I followed up with an email thanking them for a wonderful experience. Next thing I know, they wanted to bring me in for a meeting to discuss an offer. I was like, WTFFFF are you serious?! Is this happening? Am I really getting a job?! So I scheduled a meeting with them and they pretty much set up a third interview to make sure I was right for the job. The main guy, Joe, said he was going to give me $30/hr with as much overtime and vacation time as I wanted, but there were no benefits. But calculating it all, that equated to a $63k salary with a potential of $70k if I worked a lot of overtime. I told them that I was still waiting on another job offer and I asked them if I could have some time before I made ad decision. I get home and next thing I know, I have a job offer from Northrop Grumman in Sunnyvale waiting in my inbox! I start freakin' out because I didn't expect to get the job and I was just going to take the SD one. I think only Larsen knows how crazy I was, but I couldn't believe it this was happening. They were paying just as much, except their benefits package was AMAZING! Health insurance, tuition reimbursement, relocation expenses, pension plans, paid vacation and holidays, and MORE! But looking back at the SD job, he said I could be getting 1-2 raises a year depending on my work and because of that I could be making way more money at the SD job. On top of that, I liked the type of work they were doing at the SD job along with the amazing people. On paper, it seemed like the easy choice was Sunnyvale, but it was difficult for me to choose.

I did a lot of thinking over the weekend, and how timely it was for me to be going to San Jose the weekend after I get the two job offers. Not only was my trip fuckin' awesome (especially my trip to the city), but the moments when I was able to just think to myself and contemplate, I knew that this move is what I've been wanting and what will be best for myself and my career. On Wednesday, I was pretty much 50/50. But by Saturday night, I was pretty much 90% leaning toward Sunnyvale.

And now it's Monday, and I just sent in my letter of acceptance to work for Nothrop Grumman and my email of rejection to the SD job. I'm going.

----

This past week I have been thinking about the future so much. I do think about the future a lot but usually in a more abstract way, but this time I'm thinking about where I am going to live, applying to graduate school, what I am going to get involved in, and exploring unchartered territory. I am excited but nervous. Scared but ready. This is going to be one of the most frightening things I have done in my life thus far, but I look back at my life and see how similar this situation is to my move to San Diego. I look back at the move to San Diego and see how that was probably one of the best decisions I have ever made. And it wasn't because by chance I met some of the most amazing people ever, but it was because I made it happen. Even though I was so comfortable in Rowland Heights and I didn't want to leave, I can't imagine how life would have been without San Diego in the picture.

There are many people that would rather just stay where they grew up or stay where they went to college or pretty much stay where they are comfortable. And that's easy because it feels good to be where you know the area and where you know the people. But for me, I want to see again what I saw with the freshness of San Diego: a new life and a new perspective. I know when I left Rowland Heights, I couldn't help but miss it. But I took San Diego and I embraced it for all its worth and to be honest at this point I couldn't be happier with what I've seen of myself here. Leaving San Diego is going to mean leaving some of the best people I've known to date, but I know there are those friends that I will be able to pick up with them where I left off and I know who those people are. And those friends will always be with me. But when I go to Sunnyvale, I just want to embrace it the same way I did with San Diego. It's definitely not going to be as easy with universities making it easier to meet people, but I am up for the challenge. To sum it all up, I am going to miss some people to death when I leave San Diego (or SoCal in general because I've lived here all my life) but I know Sunnyvale will bring new things if I commit to it.

In general, thank you to everyone for making San Diego what it is to me. I know that's uber impersonal so a more personal one to come, but it's the truth of how I feel. I requested to start at the end of September, so that gives me a little less than 3 months to live it up here, fulfill my summer of adventure, reconnect and strengthen long-lasting relationships, and relax because from here on out I'm working for the rest of my life. Here's to new possibilities and new opportunities.


If you want to join me on my summer of adventure, here's a list of what I have planned to do:
--Bowling Sundays (and Tuesday if we miss Sunday)
--Jet skiing at Mission Bay
--Camping at Catalina Island
--Camping in Chula Vista (hahaha)
--Whitewater rafting up North
--Skydiving in July or August
--Vegas for the August babies
--Cabo late-August
--SF for Dee's birthday?!
--Disneyland/Magic Mountain
--More karaoke (Min Sok Chon??)
--Life Walks every night (walk a mile and talk about life)
--Restaurants/Food: Claim Jumper, Karl Strauss, Rei do Gado, Lucille's BBQ, Foo Foo Tae (ramen place in LA), Shabu Shabu, and Dim Sum

Harsh Realities

Some people honestly don't understand the harsh realities that are inevitable in life. Or if anything, some people do not expect them to come. And what can you say to them? Nothing.