Confidence

I think I have a confidence problem. I have a hard time talking to older people. This supports my theory of why I am awkward with my work coworkers, with my parents, with KP alumni, aunts and uncles, and pretty much anyone of significance who is older than me. But when it comes to interacting with younger folks, I am just in my comfort zone and I feel like myself. What the hell is wrong with me. As if age ever meant anything.

I'm Broken In

Consistency is tiring. Freshness and novelty seem to be the tricksters. At first, it seems like it could not be easier. And then time creeps in and starts chipping away day after day until it seems neverending. That’s where I’m getting. That turn around the corner where freshness says, “Adios amigo!”

I wrote a note on my Blogspot about how living in the Bay was easier than I expected. Perhaps I spoke too soon. It is now getting increasingly difficult to wake up in the morning, to have the motivation to cook everyday, to bear through 9-hour work days, and clean all the time. It only reminds me of and reaffirms my belief that change in people is almost never realized.

I see it in myself. There are things that I know I do not like. Ways I interact or react. Way I think and rationalize. Bad habits that prevail. But no matter how much I hate that about myself, I have this belief that I can suppress but not change. Everything I hate about myself, everything I’ve tried changing for the past 8 years is still there underneath my skin. But consistency is tiring. I’m finding it harder to keep the strength to be consistent. The freshness, the novelty is gone. But the end is still a long time coming. Let me hope, at least.

Tumblr.com

In case you ever wonder, I am on brentopher.tumblr.com as well, as of last night. I think I'll be doing most of my heavy blogging here, but I like Tumblr because it let's me blog the smaller details of day-to-day life with ease (through phone, email, AIM) and it blogs individual stuff like quotes, videos, audio, and conversations. I see it as a complementary blog to this, so I'll still be here =D

Seriously

There is one thing in particular that I learned in my 5 months out of college: People take themselves too seriously, myself included. You know how people exaggerate their stories to make them sound better? They add a few hours to how long they did something, they say more people were there than in reality, they make you believe they are closer to their destination than they really are. I feel the same applies to the image that we put forth of ourselves as well. We want to believe that we are more than what we really are. We exaggerate our problems and our daily responsibilities to make it look like we struggle more than we do. We lengthen our resumes to make us look more life-experienced than we really are. We twist our stories so that it seems like we have more substance to talk about than is actually there. We make ourselves seem more important than is perceived. But then that's a bold statement of pessimism. Maybe this does not apply to everyone. Maybe everything is relative because who is to judge what is an exaggeration. But I want to start doing this: telling and showing how it is.