I'm Broken In

Consistency is tiring. Freshness and novelty seem to be the tricksters. At first, it seems like it could not be easier. And then time creeps in and starts chipping away day after day until it seems neverending. That’s where I’m getting. That turn around the corner where freshness says, “Adios amigo!”

I wrote a note on my Blogspot about how living in the Bay was easier than I expected. Perhaps I spoke too soon. It is now getting increasingly difficult to wake up in the morning, to have the motivation to cook everyday, to bear through 9-hour work days, and clean all the time. It only reminds me of and reaffirms my belief that change in people is almost never realized.

I see it in myself. There are things that I know I do not like. Ways I interact or react. Way I think and rationalize. Bad habits that prevail. But no matter how much I hate that about myself, I have this belief that I can suppress but not change. Everything I hate about myself, everything I’ve tried changing for the past 8 years is still there underneath my skin. But consistency is tiring. I’m finding it harder to keep the strength to be consistent. The freshness, the novelty is gone. But the end is still a long time coming. Let me hope, at least.